Pathetic

Yep, that's me as far as my writing goes...pathetic. I haven't posted here in almost a year. And it's been the craziest year of my life. But I guess love does that to you; it makes you forget all the typical things in your life.

So in the past year I've gone from single, working adult to working stepmom and Girl Scout leader. An awesome and dramatic shift. My life in no way resembles the life I was living last year. And now nearing the end of another year, I'm excited about the plans and possibilities for 2010.

It seems like a shifting of life's priorities is a natural part of life that will happen throughout. If there's one thing that you can always count on, it's change. But are there those things that will last a lifetime? Are there priorities that will remain regardless of your stage of life? Maybe there is a time and place for each thing with very, if anything, little lasting for all time. Only time will tell.

Love

"Love is sometimes the choice to go against one's feelings." - Gary Chapman

I truly believe this statement. Love is not a feeling. Oh sure, you can fall in love. You can have loving feelings towards someone. But love is really a cognitive process. It's a choice. You have to choose every day to love the people around you. You have to make a choice each day to love your spouse. And when love is at it's greatest - love goes against your feelings. It's a seemingly impossible task, but when undertaken love creates more love where originally there was none. Imagine the world without the decision to love. Imagine the world if the decision was made a conscious effort by every person, each and every day.

Beauty from Pain

When looking back on this period in history, will we see the same as in the past where tough times inspire incredible works of art? Or are we too lazy and selfish in this day and age to stretch beyond our stresses and our traumas to create beauty in a tumultuous world? Can such timeless beauty come from a world filled with the internet, tivo, and wii? I hope to experience the creations that develop from this time of trouble. I want to look back years from now and feel the tug on my heart as I remember. I want to remember the struggle and the joy and to see the human spirit continue to soar.

Accountability - officially extinct?

Why has accountability become an extinct concept? Why is it so difficult to say “This is mine. I take responsibility for it.” Heaven forbid something should fail. Heaven forbid someone should say “You should have done this better.” Are we really that afraid of such consequences? Are you really going to be executed for a mistake? Who on this earth doesn’t make mistakes? Doesn’t it seem logical that you can’t learn anything if you don’t take responsibility for the errors in your life. A brutally honest evaluation of how you contributed to a situation for better or for worse will tell you how you can improve as a person. Those people who find it impossible to actually make a decision and then take responsibility for it are people who are incapable of growth and improvement. What’s the point of this life if not to learn and grow?

The power of silence

Have you ever noticed the mass amounts of information that can be gained about a person by just silently listening to them? For most this is probably one of the hardest tasks they could be asked to accomplish. To sit and listen to someone talk for as long as it takes. Just listen and learn. Their body language will tell you so much, but only if you’re watching what’s being said rather than thinking of your next response. How a person moves from one topic to the next can give you such insight into how they process information. Least important are the words, but they can tell you a great deal about the interests and opinions of the person you’re with. Rather than fearing the awkward silence or what someone will think of you if you don’t contribute to the conversation, take a leap and just listen. Chances are the person you’re with won’t notice a thing. But you will. You’ll see more than you ever expected and surface with an understanding of someone you care about that you never even imaged you were missing.

What I Don't Have

“Everything you have and everything you don’t have is exactly what you need.”

This is my paraphrase of a lyric from a song I recently heard on the radio. For me, this is one of the hardest things to come to terms with in my life. But understanding that you are exactly where you need to be and that you have exactly what you need to have is a huge step in being happy and content. Personally, my discontentment has nothing to do with the things in my life. I have no issues with my material possessions. I am content with everything I have and everything that I don’t have. For me, the problem is my discontentment with who I don’t have in my life. My friends and family are a wonderful support system and I couldn’t ask for better. But I have yet to find the man I am meant to be with. And I know that’s how it is supposed to be. It doesn’t really make it any easier to accept that I am meant to be alone during this time. I’ve been alone for so long that you’d think it would get easier. It doesn’t each day seems to be just as difficult as the next. And if it’s really true that “happiness doesn’t exist without someone to share it with,” I’m missing out on something pretty important when it comes to experiencing life. And all I can do is be patient and continue to ask “why.”

Alone? Or absolutely connected?

When all is said and done, we are each alone. Whether you’re single, married, mother of five, or the youngest of three, you are ultimately alone. In this world we are constantly striving to be content. We want to be content with our jobs, our homes, our families, but in order to truly be content we need to be content with ourselves. Nothing in this world is permanent and the only thing you can count on from the beginning of your life until the end – is you. So how do you become content with the person that you are?

It’s definitely wrong to think that isolation is the way to contentment. Yes, it ultimately comes down to you, but how can you know you unless you are able to see yourself through the eyes of the people in your life? As was so eloquently stated in Into the Wild, happiness can only exist when shared with others. You learn about who you are from the people in your life. You identify how you feel when you share with the people in your life. We are completely and unbreakably connected to the people in our life. How do you learn anything in this world without interaction with others? Without contact with others, you would have no learning experiences, no post-experience discussions, and regardless of how you may argue this – there would be no need to learn because learning is all about improving our life as it relates to others.

All part of God’s master plan? Absolutely.

The darkness becomes overwhelming

Remember a few months ago when you first started noticing that it was dark as you leave the office to head home? Then you began to notice that it was pitch black outside as the alarm clock buzzed in your ear. You'd startle awake confused and unable to comprehend how it could possible be 6 a.m. when it was still so very dark outside. Now, of course, it's January and the darkness is getting a little old. Sure the cold and snow are a nice break from the heat of summer, but let's face it - the darkness is not kind to the spirit. It slows steals your energy and confuses the brain by making it seem as though there just isn't time in the day to rest, let alone to get anything accomplished. Looking out the window at 3:47 p.m., I see the darkness already starting to creep in. Dark clouds lurking to the north threatening a cold night. A comfy sweatsuit and warm wool socks aren't enough to keep out the bitter chill that the darkness lets in. What's to be done until the summer finally chases the darkness away?

Time to think of the light. Leaving work and heading home with enough time to change your clothes and take a two hour walk outside through beautiful open space. Gaze at the vast expanse of skin with the sun warming your cold skin. The smell of sunscreen, greasy on your skin. Time for a bathing suit (you should have one - they're already on the racks in the stores) and a few laps in the pool before dinner. Barbecue chicken, potato salad, and lemonade on the back deck. Smell the citronella candle burning and keeping away the summer pests. Fluffs of cotton flutter past in the breeze. That's more like it. Soon enough it'll be time for the darkness to take a much deserved break.

The beginning

Not unusal for a blog to begin at the first of the year. The mind naturally gravitates towards how this year is going to be different. For me, I'm not looking for different. The past several years have been an incredible climb upward and each year just keeps getting better. In 2006, I bought a car; in 2007, I bought a condo; in 2008, I lost 53 pounds and made my health a priority. With such great progress, why would I want things to be different? Instead of resolving to change, I'm resolving to keep having a great time and living life to it's fullest. Can you blame me?

As far as the content of this blog, your guess is as good as mine. It will probably be a collection of random (knowing me it'll be very random) thoughts and experiences over the coming year(s). I have no desire to accomplish some fabulous goal; rather, I just want to get back to the joy of writing. It's been so long since it's been a constant in my life. For those that happen across this blog, I hope you enjoy it and maybe learn something fun and bizarre in the process.

H.