My love/hate addiction

I simultaneously love and hate finishing books. I finished two yesterday – a book and an audio book. It was fantastic. It was miserable. Is anyone following this? I get the majority of my books from the library. So I am constantly trying to beat the due date and oftentimes failing miserably. When I do finish a book there is the sense of completion. Something to check off the old to-do list. There’s also the feeling that I’m getting organized by placing that book in the library bag. That book is now one less thing cluttering my bedside table, exercise bag, passenger side car seat, etc.

However, I can’t help but feel empty. Lost. That I’ve somehow been disconnected from my new friends. The characters I’ve connected with, the story the author is telling me still linger in my brain taunting me about the fact that I will no longer be able to learn more about their world.

I think the worst case of this is when I finish an audio book in the car. It doesn’t matter that the story has ended, the trip is still going. And what do I listen to now? I was so absorbed into the world of the book that sometimes I have to sit there in silence. Radio is too jarring, too harsh and abrupt.

Then of course, I must move onto the next book which takes time. It’s a chapter or two before I start remembering which character is which and who is speaking etc. And there’s a time to adjust to the author’s language. Eventually I become accepting of the new book and what it has to offer me. That is until, like they all do, it ends.

 

A very long week

Tomorrow my little monster girl heads to California for a week. I can’t help but worry about her. I never quite know what to expect during these trips. My experience has been that my tomboy comes back with an unwanted haircut, a very quiet demeanor, and suddenly dressed in pink. At least it’s only a week this time. I still have a few months before the dreaded 2-month departure.

 

I feel so helpless and unable to protect my stepdaughter. I love her as though I had given birth to her myself and yet she steps out to that other piece of her life and I’m powerless to make sure that she can be herself and express who she truly is. I have been incredibly pleased that she has not been teased in school by her peers about her tomboy sense of style that I find so amazingly wonderful and unique. Yet she is changed when she returns from her visits. After a short period of readjustment, she seems to swing even more into the tomboy/boy clothes loving persona. I can’t help but worry that this is not healthy for her. Yet I have no say her. No control. My ability to protect her only extends to “my time” with her.

 

Thus begins the countdown. One week. I just have to make it until next Monday evening. And then I can once again start to repair what I can’t help but see as little holes in her heart that seem to tear with every visit. Please let them be filled with love. Please don’t let the scar tissue take over her precious and amazing heart.

 

Never done...

I feel perpetually behind. I just can’t catch up. I can’t “finish” anything. I try – I really do. But the laundry is never done; the house is never clean (heck, I can’t get one room clean); I haven’t finished a quilt in, um, a very long time; the girl scout stuff is never organized and neither is the quilt group stuff; filing is never done; and I’m so behind on the journaling I want to do for my kids.

 

How could I possibly add to my endless list with a resolution? Something new to try to accomplish? Heck no! I don’t need to add anything else to my endless list of to-dos. All I can do is try to keep my head above water. Oh well, guess I should just admit it – super-mom, super-wife, super-employee, super-quilter…I am not. And I probably will never be. But I guess that’s okay. Because I still get to spend time with my daughter as her girl scout leader – organized or not. And I get to quilt with her – sporadic though it may be. And I get to spend time with my husband – in our messy living room. It’ll do. Especially if I can get all of us in clean underwear each day.

 

And yes, the picture above has nothing to do with anything. Except that it has now made me want ice cream. I can’t help it. This is what pregnant women do. I didn’t even finish finding a cool pic or clipart for my blog post. I searched for “overwhelmed”, “piled”, and “covered”. What I got was chocolate covered ice cream…yum. So I’ll manage to accomplish one thing today – I’ll be stopping at the store after work to pick up a yummy flavor or two. Check! One thing done.