My love/hate addiction

I simultaneously love and hate finishing books. I finished two yesterday – a book and an audio book. It was fantastic. It was miserable. Is anyone following this? I get the majority of my books from the library. So I am constantly trying to beat the due date and oftentimes failing miserably. When I do finish a book there is the sense of completion. Something to check off the old to-do list. There’s also the feeling that I’m getting organized by placing that book in the library bag. That book is now one less thing cluttering my bedside table, exercise bag, passenger side car seat, etc.

However, I can’t help but feel empty. Lost. That I’ve somehow been disconnected from my new friends. The characters I’ve connected with, the story the author is telling me still linger in my brain taunting me about the fact that I will no longer be able to learn more about their world.

I think the worst case of this is when I finish an audio book in the car. It doesn’t matter that the story has ended, the trip is still going. And what do I listen to now? I was so absorbed into the world of the book that sometimes I have to sit there in silence. Radio is too jarring, too harsh and abrupt.

Then of course, I must move onto the next book which takes time. It’s a chapter or two before I start remembering which character is which and who is speaking etc. And there’s a time to adjust to the author’s language. Eventually I become accepting of the new book and what it has to offer me. That is until, like they all do, it ends.

 

A very long week

Tomorrow my little monster girl heads to California for a week. I can’t help but worry about her. I never quite know what to expect during these trips. My experience has been that my tomboy comes back with an unwanted haircut, a very quiet demeanor, and suddenly dressed in pink. At least it’s only a week this time. I still have a few months before the dreaded 2-month departure.

 

I feel so helpless and unable to protect my stepdaughter. I love her as though I had given birth to her myself and yet she steps out to that other piece of her life and I’m powerless to make sure that she can be herself and express who she truly is. I have been incredibly pleased that she has not been teased in school by her peers about her tomboy sense of style that I find so amazingly wonderful and unique. Yet she is changed when she returns from her visits. After a short period of readjustment, she seems to swing even more into the tomboy/boy clothes loving persona. I can’t help but worry that this is not healthy for her. Yet I have no say her. No control. My ability to protect her only extends to “my time” with her.

 

Thus begins the countdown. One week. I just have to make it until next Monday evening. And then I can once again start to repair what I can’t help but see as little holes in her heart that seem to tear with every visit. Please let them be filled with love. Please don’t let the scar tissue take over her precious and amazing heart.

 

Never done...

I feel perpetually behind. I just can’t catch up. I can’t “finish” anything. I try – I really do. But the laundry is never done; the house is never clean (heck, I can’t get one room clean); I haven’t finished a quilt in, um, a very long time; the girl scout stuff is never organized and neither is the quilt group stuff; filing is never done; and I’m so behind on the journaling I want to do for my kids.

 

How could I possibly add to my endless list with a resolution? Something new to try to accomplish? Heck no! I don’t need to add anything else to my endless list of to-dos. All I can do is try to keep my head above water. Oh well, guess I should just admit it – super-mom, super-wife, super-employee, super-quilter…I am not. And I probably will never be. But I guess that’s okay. Because I still get to spend time with my daughter as her girl scout leader – organized or not. And I get to quilt with her – sporadic though it may be. And I get to spend time with my husband – in our messy living room. It’ll do. Especially if I can get all of us in clean underwear each day.

 

And yes, the picture above has nothing to do with anything. Except that it has now made me want ice cream. I can’t help it. This is what pregnant women do. I didn’t even finish finding a cool pic or clipart for my blog post. I searched for “overwhelmed”, “piled”, and “covered”. What I got was chocolate covered ice cream…yum. So I’ll manage to accomplish one thing today – I’ll be stopping at the store after work to pick up a yummy flavor or two. Check! One thing done.

Budgets...

Who schedules a budgeting process at the end of December??? Oh well, we're conforming to our new parent company's schedule and this is it. I've been consumed by budgets this week. Though I can't say I'm complaining. In many ways I feel like it's one part of my job that I really understand well. And the number of things I feel like I understand at my job seems to decrease daily.

However, as with every budgeting process I know this one will end with a complete and utter drain of all my energy. That can only be fixed with lots and lots of creative projects. I do believe there's a quilt top in pieces at home with my name on it that really needs to be pieced. I hope I have time to throw myself into it once all these budgets are complete.

Humanity

I love the humanity that works its way to the forefront of everyone’s mind during the holiday season. Everyone is so much more willing to help out their friends and neighbors, but more importantly complete strangers. Why are our defenses down so much lower during the holidays? Why is the idea that no one should be alone or without during December so prevalent an idea? It’s an interesting one since really I don’t think people should be alone or without at any point during the year. But maybe we’re just more willing to overlook the flaws in our fellow men that result in our willingness to shun someone in need during the rest of the year. The argument of “well, maybe he should just get a job” doesn’t sound quiet as loudly in our heads when the Christmas bells are ringing. Wish those bells would ring more often throughout the year. We should love each other. After all, what else do we have in this world?

 

 

Welcoming committee???

I received my ballot in the mail this weekend and I've been working diligently on researching the items at hand so I can cast my vote. I've worked my way through the state issues and the last item on my ballot is a City and County of Denver ordinance item. Okay, important city issues - roadways, noise, community safety...

Nope.

The creation of an extraterrestrial affairs commission. Um yeah - you read that right. A commission just in case there is contact by little green men. And what will this commission do? "ensure the health, safety and cultural awareness of Denver residents and visitors in relations to potential encourters or interactions with extraterrestrial intelligent beings or their vehicles"

At least it's to be funded from grants, gifts, and donations...not tax money. Important stuff we're dealing with here! Solid proof that it was WAY too easy to get items place on the ballot in the State of Colorado. I wonder if this will actually pass.

Monsters monsters everywhere...

I made a monster yesterday. He's blue with a red polka dotted bow-tie. But his orange hair just isn't quite right. It's supposed to look like a spikey mowhawk do, but instead I got an orange crown. I'll have to work on that more tonight.

I'm making a monster quilt for my cute little six-year old monster. Which was originally an ironic nickname, but as her six-year-oldness has begun to kick in more I'm starting to question the irony.

Oh well, regardless I think these cute little hand appliqued monsters will be a lot of fun. I absolutely love the bright colors.

Meanwhile the little girl cut a bunch more squares for her quilt yesterday. She only needs about twenty more and then she can start sewing! The husband is well into his third quilt top and will be learning to machine applique with a satin stitch very soon.